Still Trying, Because Hope Springs Eternal
I don't often share my problems online when things are going badly here, because my problems are seldom just mine, and my partner-in-crime doesn't like his dirty laundry hanging out for all the world to see. I'm a girl, though, and I need to talk, and you're my people, so I'm rethinking my policy of silence. I want you to know, though, that I love my husband desperately and admire him greatly, and I never consider him the cause of our problems. We're both imperfect people, and we both try, and we both make mistakes. Truthfully, my first thought when our relationship is struggling is "What can I do to make this better?" not, "He has to change!" I learned long, long ago that I can't change anybody but myself, but that by changing my behavior or reactions, I can influence others'. Anyway, if I'm going to talk, and I really need to, I need you to please read anything I say through the eyes of love, because that is entirely the spirit in which I intend it.
I want to thank you all, too, for all your comments and emails yesterday. For the prayers and compassion and commiseration, I'm deeply grateful. Some of you, especially Michelle, offered very real, very practical help, and for that, I'm feeling more hopeful than I have in a long time. I have a plan of action, something I can do, however meager, that might help me at least to understand and possibly even make it better. I don't know, but I have something to do and that makes this easier to bear.
All I know right now is that the man who came home from war is not the same man I sent. We've gone through deployments before, and most of our usual reintegration issues are control issues, and they are settled in a few weeks as he asserts his place in the family pecking order and I yield mine. This time is different, though. Are we dealing with PTSD? Maybe. All signs point to yes and I don't know what he needs from me. So I'm off to talk to some people, and then I'll talk to him, and Michelle, God bless her, has some books in the mail to me. These are small things, but they're something, and something is better than nothing.
So, we'll talk again later, okay? Thank you for being my friends.
14 comments:
Dearest Jennie,
You have been on my mind for a few days now. I am praying for you and I hope that helps you -- prayer changes things.
You and your beloved are going through a difficult time, and no wonder. He comes home from a war -- and one in which our country has mixed feelings, you're selling a house, and moving long distance. Any one of these alone is a stressor -- all three could seriously put you over the edge.
I'm glad you're getting help -- don't forget you can talk to a priest, too. Even if all he does is listen and pray with you, and they are usually pretty good at that, it will help.
I know it seems like David has been home a while, but really, it hasn't been that long. Give yourselves time.
This too shall pass.
You're in my prayers.
Jennie-
I know I am realtively new to your blog, but I do enjoy reading your posts and I am glad I found you!
You continue to be in my prayers as you two (well, really 3 because God is an important part of the equation). God Bless your marriage and your family!
You were on my heart this morning at Mass, Jennie. The first reading is from Job today and the priest homilized about Job-like suffering. He was faithful, like you are, and I'm confident that with God's help, you'll have the help and strength you need to get through this difficult time.
One more thing - I'm a big believer in asking/praying for graces of your own Sacrament of Matrimony when there are bumpy patches in a marriage. I know many folks that say it is a huge help - us included. When you were united in the Sacrament, you ceased to be individuals. I don't know anything about PTSD, but I will pray that you will very soon experience again the joys of your union with David.
May God bless and keep you, Jennie.
Hi,Jennie- if in fact David is suffering from PTSD I want you to know it is fixable. If you can, locate a therapist or couselor who specializes in PTSD. There is something called EMDR(eye movement desensitization and reprocessing)which worked wonders for me.It may get hard before it gets better,but it works. Thanks for all your great posts, and your friend in Bay Saint Louis,MS is praying for you!
Still praying for you both! You have the right attitude, though - the only person you can change is yourself, and unconditional love, like you are showing your husband, can work wonders on everyone in a family!
Your welcome. I will continue to keep you in my daily prayers...
I have a parent who suffered from PTSD and it got better. I promise you, it gets better. Hang in there.
Wow, prayers work and so glad that you are getting some relief. We will still continue to pray for you and yours.
More prayers...many more.
Barbara said it so well, when she pointed out all the stressors right now in your life. Thank you for sharing, again, because it's a blessing to everyone to be able to hold you up in prayer and to learn from you. I love most when you spoke about changing yourself, not trying to change your spouse. It has taken me so long to realize that as a person, my husband needs that from me. Did I get this quote from you?
quote
The late Trappist monk Thomas Merton reminds us that "the beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."
I've loved this since I read it (I'm pretty sure on your blog...maybe someone i followed from your blog) Anyway, thanks again for letting us pray for you, and for sharing.
Praying for you and your dh.
God bless!
I will keep you and your dear husband in my prayers, Jennie.
Having only been married for six months, I am no expert, but I do know that you are right in saying that the only person you can change is yourself. That's a pretty important thing to know.
I am praying to Sts. Joachim and Ann for you. I know that with prayers and the grace of the Sacrament of Matrimony, this will work out.
Just prayed for you! You have so many people that love you!!!!
I am doing a study of Daniel, and your post makes me think of how God is refining your faith through this fiery trial.
I love you! I will keep praying! Thanks for sharing.
~Amber
Praying, praying for you both. Some of the things you wrote about your husband when he was gone were so beautiful and sweet. It is so obvious how crazy you are about him.
Jennie,
Allow me to introduce myself, My name is SSgt Law. I am a Chaplain's Assistant in the Air Force. When I read this post it moved me. I know this post is from a while ago, so if you and your husband have been able to work everything out--that is wonderful and you can disregard this comment. If not, hopefully I can help.
It sounds like you and your husband have a wonderful relationship. I want to help your family. I can understand you and your husband's decision to not post your problems. However, by showing our humanity to others it allows them to help us and brings us closer together as the Body of Christ.
Originally I wanted to privately e-mail you, but my hope is that I might write something that helps you as well as someone else that might read this post. I don't know what advice anyone else has given you, so some of this could be redundant, and if it is, please accept my apologies.
PTSD is real and it is treatable as many of the other posters have said. There are many opportunities the Government has made available to our service members. The first is Military One Source [http://www.militaryonesource.com/skins/MOS/home.aspx]. There is link on the right side of the page titled counseling. There are many options available there. The counselors affiliated with Military One Source are specially trained in PTSD. The one thing I should note about these counseling sessions is "The face-to-face counseling benefit addresses short-term concerns and is limited to six sessions per issue per counselor." This counseling is a great way to get help. Another option is the chaplain on your post. The Army chaplains have "confidential" communication. This means that your husband could seek help without adversely effecting his career. The chaplains are also trained in counseling PTSD. A Catholic chaplain would be best because he could address both the psychological and spiritual healing you and your husband may need. The third option available is the VA hospital if there is one nearby. They too, have special programs, free of charge for our service members after their return home from war.
There may be other options available specific to your post, you can find out by contacting the medical unit on post. (I'm not familiar with the Army's terms for it--in the Air Force it's known as the Med Group.)
Please accept this comment in the love in which it is intended. I will lift your family up in my daily prayers in hopes that the Lord will grant you and your family many graces in these times of transition. God Bless.
Ssgt Law
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